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Nov. 30th, 2006

Missing You

I am lonely today.
I am missing my last girlfriend. My husband insists on watching pornos together and all it does is remind me of how much I miss her.
Loving a woman is SO much easier than a man (sorry Sly) womenn are softer, taste better, there are no leftover hardons to worry about. Womens lips are so soft. Kissing a women is like heaven. snuggling together almost naked is better, there are boobs and panties and stuff that get in the way. you giggle alot. Making love to a woman is so natural. god I love the way it happens so effertlessly. with a man it is so filled with anxiety and pain and unsteadyness. With a woman you can dance, jump on the bed, pillow fight (YES we do that) giggle, watch TV, take baths, brush our hair, talk about love, talk about our bodies. I love breasts. My girlfriend had her nipples pierced. god that drove me crazy. I was so head over heals in love with her. I loved everything about her.

Nov. 27th, 2006

Incantations

We had a new priest yesterday.

She was beautiful. young, blonde with a voice like an angel. really.

She was performing the Eucharist and I was standing next to her at the alter handing her stuff and she was chanting really high and swaying her arms around everywhere and swirling them around. I looked up waiting for something to fall in on us! LOL Being an Ex-Wicca practicing person, well no, I actually still practice, but studying divinity now, I can see how they go hand in hand.

We both use ashes, oils, waters, fire, plants, the Elements, touch, washing of feet, soul cleansing. it is all intrarelated. I love how I can use my practices as a wiccan to heal others in the episcopalian faith. You have to have a VERY open mind when it comes to worship because it is all escentially the same. LOVE. what ever vehicle you use to get there........FINE.............just GET THERE!!!!! I don't care if you are catholic, pagan, morman, muslim, half blue and half red and do jumping jacks every four hours. The center focus of every worship is LOVE.

thats all.

Nov. 13th, 2006

burqa

female. light eyes
is all you will know of me.
if I am smiling,
if I am dying inside
you will never know.
my hair could be auburn
or tea colored brown.
curly or painfully
straight and long.
there are secrets
hidden under my burqa
where I can hide deep inside.
a sweet smelling slip
and light maroon lipstick
left while giving soft kisses
on the lips of a girl
who's secrets are the same
as mine.

Nov. 1st, 2006

Couldn't take it.

Well... I totally lost it. I couldn't take the pressure of being me and I called my case worker and said I am going to jump off a bridge if you don't help me.

So I am in a Crisis Center. I can sneak on here for bits of time. But I wanted to let you all know where I was.

Love to all.

Oct. 29th, 2006

INEQUITIES

I served today at church for the first time since Fa. Michael left. I read a 19 verse lesson from Isaiah that would have murdered the average person, however, I studied until my eyes bled and walked confidently to the lectern and read my lesson with fervor.
The rest of the service went fine with the exception of a mistake here and there. I was cleaning up the consecrated host when one of the musicians came to me and said "very good reading...that first lesson is always torture and if the reader didn't practice the parish squirms right along with them".
Thank you. I said. I had gotten a lot of compliments on my fabulous reading. THEN the musician said "Oh by the way.....the word is INIQUITY.........not INEQUITY"
I froze. WHAT???? Iniquity??? "Yah, he said. It means to sin"
I said Do you know HOW many TIMES I said INEQUITIES in that lesson??????? "Yes" he said. "seven". I slumped to the floor.
Figures, I would have taught the service a completely different lesson that took me all week to learn.
Oh and by the way....INEQUITY means to be unfair.

Oct. 27th, 2006

Way too Funny

Too Funny!!!

Oct. 12th, 2006

(no subject)

I dyed my hair today.
Black Cherry with blonde streaks in the front. I had my friend cut it too. I shaved the back and angled the top down in an "A" to my chin. It looks really nice. I love it. It feels so soft to, I love to have fresh, nice hair.

Feeling overwhelmed. I hope my therapist can squeeze me in tomorrow. If I have to deal with this weekend without venting to her I feel like I just might find me a high place!

gah.

someone lock me up and throw away the key!

Oct. 11th, 2006

The Dance

The lights are low and there's a
hush of music in the
air, while my stark white
floor is now corrupted from
black scuff marks and wear and
dirt brought from the outside
world. Toe to toe, slippers
spinning , whirling fabric
skimming the surface interlaced
with murmers and giggles riding
on whispers through the
air. Music, whirling, laughter.
it's mesermizing and holds
me there captivated, trapped
by it's spell of wonder and
innocence and foolish young
love. Until the music stops,
and the lights come up and
I take my mop and soapy warm
water and wipe my floor clean
once again.

Manic

fuck I am feeling the mania creeping up on me.
I am not sleeping and I am writing at all hours. I am looking at houses to buy and sell.
I am calling people all across the country. You would be surprised at who will talk to you if you just call them. lol
I called my therapist to try to squeeze in and she said probably not. fuck. I really need to see her. I really don't need to spin out of control now.

My birth parents are coming tommorrow. gah. I called my father and asked him for money last night. I hve never asked for money and the fucker turned me down. He has it, he is just an asshole. I should have known better. We have to be in seven places at once this weekend. I really don't know how we are going to do it.

I just want to take some sleeping pills and call it a day/life.

**sigh**

Oct. 6th, 2006

(no subject)

I deleted my entry.

no offense but my self esteem is too shattered to be ignored right now.

I am probably too needy, but it said you would talk with me.

bye.

god I suck.

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